Field notes · Mental health and resilience
Anger and irritability after 40: what's really going on
A lot of dads tell me the same thing, a bit ashamed: they snap at the kids over nothing, then feel terrible. They assume they have become an angry person. Usually they have become a tired, stressed, under-slept person, and anger is the symptom that shows.
Dai Manuel · Coach Moose · Vancouver
The usual suspects
Short sleep is the big one. Even a few nights of poor sleep make the brain more reactive to small annoyances. Alcohol adds to it, because it wrecks sleep quality and lowers your brakes. Chronic stress keeps your body braced for a fight all day, so the spilt milk at dinner feels like the last straw.
Irritability can also be how depression shows up in men. If it has lasted weeks and comes with low energy or losing interest in things, mention it to your doctor.
Getting your patience back
Fix the inputs first: a regular bedtime, fewer drinks, a daily walk. Then build a pause. When you feel it rising, name it out loud, "I'm getting wound up, give me a minute", and step away for ten breaths. It feels awkward. It also teaches your kids how to handle their own anger.
And repair afterwards. "I snapped, that wasn't fair, I'm sorry." Kids do not need a perfect dad. They need one who owns it.
Common questions
- Can low testosterone cause irritability?
- It can play a part, but sleep, stress and alcohol are far more common causes. If irritability comes with fatigue and low drive, ask your doctor for a blood test.
- When is anger a sign I need help?
- If you are frightening your family, breaking things, or cannot stop despite trying, get help now. Your doctor can refer you to counselling or an anger management programme.
This is coaching, not medical advice. If something here sounds like you, talk to your doctor.
Sources
- Harvard Health Publishing, Sleep and mental health
- Canadian Mental Health Association, Men and mental illness